Overwhelmed working moms and the holidays

'Tis the time to be merry, or so they say. But for exhausted moms who work at home or outside, it often feels more like the time to perform magic tricks while handling many tasks. As holiday decorations go up, stress levels rise for moms everywhere. They not only manage work chaos but also create a festive atmosphere at home like the North Pole. Along with daytime school and daycare celebrations, they handle party supplies, find special outfits for concerts (this year, it's a plain green shirt and jeans. Jeans?), and deal with the pressure of creating a picture-perfect elf (more mess? Oh joy).

Deep breath. Does it have to be like this?

Attention working moms: it's time to embrace the idea of setting reasonable goals for yourselves. Remember, perfection is only possible if you have enough time and resources. So this holiday season, let's embrace the imperfect wrapping job, slightly overcooked turkeys, and the joy of letting go of unrealistic expectations that can spoil the festivities. Here's to a holiday season full of laughter and toasting, imperfectly perfect, just like the dedicated moms who make everything happen. Cheers!

But wow, the guilt! The guilt! It takes away all joy. Can you take a step back for a moment? What do you really want this year? A perfect holiday card? Okay, if you can do it without crying. Freshly baked cookies? Okay, can your kids help and enjoy…or will there be more tears? Lots of nicely wrapped gifts? Okay, can your kids sit through the day or do they get overwhelmed and…cry? I see a pattern. It's helpful to start with the end in mind and work backwards. Remember, the only thing you should feel guilty about is not giving yourself enough credit. Taking a broader perspective is helpful when you focus on creating memories with your family. It can help you figure out what to let go of. If it still feels too much, it's time to ask for help. So, gather the troops! Get your kids to be Santa's little helpers, assign your partner as the chief gift wrapper, and entrust Aunt Mildred with the famous family stuffing recipe. Communication is important, so don't hesitate to express your need for support. Open up the lines of communication, and you'll be surprised at how willing your loved ones are to lend a hand.

If this overwhelming sensation of impossibility feels like a heavy weight on your shoulders, please know that therapy can truly be your guiding light. Exhausted moms, who often bear the burden of countless responsibilities, can discover a safe haven of solace, comfort, and invaluable support through the expertise of a skilled therapist. These professionals possess the remarkable ability to help you unravel the intricate layers of your needs, particularly during the holidays, when the pressure intensifies and becomes most palpable.

Remember, you're doing an amazing job, and if anyone disagrees, tell them the Grinch called – he wants his unrealistic expectations back.

Don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist if this feels overwhelming. Help can make all the difference during these transitions.

This blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a medical professional. In crisis? Call or text 988 or visit https://988lifeline.org/ or dial 911.

Lisa Schneider, LCSW is a licensed therapist specializing in parenthood and women’s health spaces. She practices in NY, PA, CT and CO and can be reached at lisaschneiderlcsw@gmail.com

Struggle oF sick kids

Bang Bang Bang….MOMMY!!!!!!!

You know it, you dread it….your kid is calling for you and it’s 2am….as you drag yourself out of bed you fear the worst. You reach their room to find a crying child—you reach down and BANG—ANOTHER FEVER?!?!

A million thoughts race through your mind. How are they sick AGAIN? Is it RSV? COVID? THE FLU? THE DREADED HAND FOOT MOUTH???? How are you ever going to sleep, do you need to call the pediatrician, you have that big presentation tomorrow and who’s going to stay home??

On and on it goes, and as badly as you worry for your kid, you also worry for yourself. How can you sustain this? How can you keep your job and life going?? Is everyone going to catch it?

Motherhood is not easy. It’s a balancing act of being a wife, a mother and an individual. When your little one falls sick, it’s like the world is collapsing on you. You have to take care of them, but you also have to make sure that your other kids are taken care of too. Frankly, it sucks and you can’t prepare for this.

There are many things that mothers expect when they become parents. But there are also things that they don’t expect. And these expectations vs reality scenarios can be quite shocking for the mothers who were not expecting them at all.

There are no easy answers of how to manage with sick kids, and in this post covid world, the sickness just seems to be everywhere. A few thoughts come to mind:

• You aren’t a doctor (unless you are so disregard obvs). Get yourself a pediatrician who understands what is going on and hopefully can provide on call phone calls to help you. When in doubt, urgent care and the ER are there. I hear from so many parents how lonely and scared these middle of the night fevers/coughs/pukes/wheezes are.

  If your doctor is rude about it, try to find one who isn’t.

• You did nothing to deserve this. It is awful and and unfortunate perfect storm of germs right now. I’m sorry if the people in your life don’t understand (what do you mean you’re not coming to our always most important family party blah blah blah) (calm down we all get sick stop being so paranoid) (who cares if their sleep schedule gets messed up or if they get sick—it’s the HOLIDAYS)(why are you SO WORRIED about our expensive nonrefundable travel plans that could possibly be ruined if we all get sick)

• Wash your hands, maybe wear a mask if it’s feasible and take a deep breath. You can’t control all of this, you are doing everything that you can.

• Here is where I should talk about work but I get it. You’re pulled in 2 directions. I’m sorry if your boss or job doesn’t care about your kids and your sleep and the millionth illness since Sept. Remind yourself you are doing the best that you can.

• Practice acceptance. Kids get sick. A lot. Their little immune systems are working overtime. Practice acceptance of these inevitable realities regularly. Work to develop thoughts that help with this. Some ideas are:

  • Kids get sick and we will survive.

  • This is hard today but it won’t last forever.

  • Even if I do everything right, a kid might get sick.

  • Even if we are up all night, I will sleep eventually.

    One of my kids has routinely gotten some kind of puking sickness literally every time we’ve gone on vacation since birth. She’s thrown up on people, places and things. Every time. Now we just carry puke buckets, cuz if you can’t beat them…accept!

• Ask for help and lower your standards. This season is a rough one. Ask for help. Get that takeout. Call a friend, a neighbor, a coworker, a grandparent, aunt, uncle, anything. Let the house get wrecked, you’ll bleach everything when you can. 15 hours of screen time? Get that charger out and accept it!

Sick child with fever and mom helping

It’s not easy being a parent right now. If this resonated with you but you still feel riddled with guilt, fear or obsessive worry about yourself, your kids, or your health, a therapist can help you find a path forward with less stress and anxiety.

LISA SCHNEIDER, LCSW IS A THERAPIST IN PRIVATE PRACTICE AND CAN BE REACHED AT LISASCHNEIDERLCSW@GMAIL.COM

Resilience: the Strength of Mind, Body & Soul

As a therapist and a parent, I think about resilience a lot. What it means, how it presents, why it’s important, and how it can be encouraged.

So, what is resilience?

Resilience is the ability to cope with stress and adversity. It also means being able to recover from setbacks. In the face of adversity, it is important to have a calm mind and think clearly. It is also important to maintain a sense of compassion for oneself and others. And finally, it is important to practice self-care in order to stay healthy and strong.

It is not easy for anyone to do these things all the time but with practice, we can learn how.

Why Resilience is So Important in Today's World

If you haven’t noticed (insert lol here), there’s a lot going on these days. I have yet to cross paths with someone who isn’t worried about something, and many I meet and work with are stressed about many somethings.

Unfortunately, sometimes stuff happens. Accidents or illness take down our kids or our selves. Sometimes for a day or two, sometimes for a lot longer.

What resilience isn’t—a lack of feeling, a lack of suffering or a lack of pain. To be resilient is to move forward with the stress and pain that occurs when faced with the unexpected. Resiliency is often the key factor in someone's ability to recover from adversity.

So what’s a person to do?

If you want to build resilience, here are some tips:

- Seek out opportunities to learn about different perspectives and cultures. Resilience is part of the human condition, and perspectives are evident throughout the world. Lean into your own culture as well—keys to resilience can be found in your community.

resilience is a thinking and acting response to the challenges of thriving in a world that is uncertain and changing. It is about living with the interdependence of health, community, and environment. It starts with an understanding that what we do has effects on us

- Cultivate your sense of humor. Dark humor, memes, clips of comedy sketches. All can bring a feeling of connection with humor. Practice finding the humor in situations and you may find when a big one shows up laughter may present itself along with tears.

- Take care of your physical health by making exercise a priority. Physical health is the foundation of a healthy lifestyle. It's important to prioritize exercise, because it can help with mental and emotional wellness. Exercising releases endorphins that make you feel good, and it boosts your mood. Plus, it increases your energy levels so you can be more productive in your day-to-day life. This includes managing a diet lower in sugars/carbs/alcohol that can depress you both physically and mentally.

- Learn how to say "no" and be clear with your boundaries. Consider yourself and your family first.

- Develop a strength-based mindset, meaning that you view your life as an opportunity for growth and development rather than as a series of obstacles, setbacks, and struggles. This is a biggie, and if you find this challenging, a good therapist can help guide you in this practice.

-Strengthen your ties to community. Community is integral to the daily lives of many people. Whether it's a supportive family, a group of friends, or your local organizations, finding a community to belong to can be an essential part of leading a happy and healthy life. Connecting virtually can be just as effective as in person if “finding your tribe” is hard. DON’T GIVE UP ON CONNECTIONS!! Loneliness is the antithesis of resilience. You shouldn’t manage alone. Therapy can help if these connections feel impossible.

Resilience is a part of a healthy self and intentional development of these skills can be transformative. If you feel life is coming at you and you are drowning, a good therapist can walk with you along a more resilient path.

Lisa Schneider, LCSW is a psychotherapist specializing in working with those struggling with anxiety and depression, along with life stresses like infertility and new parenthood. She can be contacted at lisaschneiderlcsw@gmail.com or www.acalmplace.net